Dear TM

Dear TM

The other night when as I was falling asleep that you haven't really expressed [though hinted at] in your mails.  And a sadness I have never known in you.

We seem closer than we ever have been.

I have for a while now [+ maybe always] been  pondering about the beginning of our – your and my -  relationship.

You said recently  that G  [is/ was] attracted to brains too, and to your clarity, exoticism, and sensuality.

These were qualities that also attracted me to her.  And you to her.

How much of those would explain your attraction to me [then]?

It was unusual. 

What I always knew was that both G + I had a darkness that  you were attracted to/ repelled by.

I recall that you had visited Cairo and  hated it.  I loved it.   The chaos, the madness.

Why was I attracted to you?

Brains.  You were neither exotic nor sensual.  Sexy of course.   Clarity, yes.

We shared  a history of pacifism, opposition to the Vietnam War [then over], liberal views on [whatever].  Smoking weed.  But then so were a lot of people in London, then.

How soon Coke + E :  catalysts?

You suggested in your last mail that maybe I would have slept with G to have power over you.

That was never on my agenda.

We fought as you know.  Is that normal between two men at the age were at?  Maybe only at the intensity that we generated:  latent, unconsummated lovers?

I wanted to corrupt you. 

Jeanette  [also dark] once said to me that on a K experience she tried to break you down, but that you hung onto being a ‘Yankee boy’.  I think I was trying to do the same thing.

Which was wrong, I now know.  Or was it?  You were a Yankee boy, who sought to integrate your shadow.

3 decades later:

I was aware of you, +  a sadness.

Maybe that is what we recognized, ‘remembering’ that this is where we will lead to.  To look in the mirror and see one another.

And my sadness.

The Edge ... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over -  Hunter S. Thompson