I haven’t posted for a while.
My mother was a hypochondriac, with Von Munchausen’s syndrome. The misery that she inflicted on others - + herself – was excruciating. A never ending spiral of bitterness, divisiveness, anger. I have a morbid fear of becoming like her – so am reluctant to talk about illnesses: but I am writing this as an explanation of what has been happening to me, + why my communications have been slow. I was too ill to deal with even basic e-mails or blogging. One of the things it transpired Aryan [of whom I will tell you later] + I had in common was our relationships with our mothers. A relief at their [respective] deaths. A relief for the world, for them [mothers], for us [sons].
S is my ‘adopted’ daughter in Durban. It was through a strange + unlikely twist of fate that we met, about 10 years ago, + bonded immediately. She is not only very beautiful but highly intelligent.
We came from the same mould: as I had to utterly reject my ignorant, reactionary, bigoted poor family [for my survival], as she had to with her conservative, wealthy Muslim family, who wanted her to not have a career, stay at home, not drink wine or wear make up or have a white boyfriend. To dress modestly.
Who rejected whom first, me [S] or the family? An internecine process. It was more than the nuclear or extended family. It was the tribe, the culture, one's people who one wasn’t a part of.
In the last year of my mother’s life, she continued to try to undermine me, to attempt to make me small, when I had always been big, growing bigger in Europe: I cut off my allowance to her, + she had a pauper’s funeral.
You may be shocked at this. I am too: shocked that it should have come to this. Such severance isn't easy . It is not like moving house or splitting from a lover. It comes to haunt you in unexpected ways.
I had done it earlier, went through all the turbulence that one has to experience before making such a decision, which continues afterwards too.
Matricide.
I was S’s guide in her process, to encourage her to do what she was doing, so that she could become herself.
We became very close, with the years.
Last year I gave her away at her wedding: gave a speech that referred to a case I had read about in the newspaper as a teenager, + that shocked me tremendously. A white + an Indian lecturer in ZA had an affair. The police had climbed up a tree so that they could take photos through the window; they offered evidence in court of hairs on the pillows, semen on the sheets. I mentioned how things had changed in this country, because love cannot or should not have barriers. The speech was also funny + went down well with the other guests [mostly of Ss age]
I sent her the following recently:
It has been a hellish 5 months or so. Acute sinus problems. Pains in my nose, teeth, head: a ‘jelly brain’: swimming, woozy, virtually impossible to focus. I saw a specialist in July in George [a biggish town about 2 hours away] who bamboozled me into having an operation the following day.
I normally would have wanted time to think about things, consult the internet, professionals I know. The experience with the anesthetist was particularly unpleasant, but I wont go into that right now. I had asked the specialist who performed the operation how long the recovery would be, + he said 2 weeks. I agreed to the operation the following day because I was in pain, + thought get it over + done with. Following the operation I was in constant agony, each time I breathed, a pain would shoot right into my nostrils, into my head. I couldn’t sleep. I was like a Zombie during the day, from sleep deprivation. I went to see him again after a month to say I wasn’t well: he said recovery 2 months [!], during which he advises patients – he hadn't done so with me – to be neither optimistic nor pessimistic.
During this time I was unable to keep in @ contact with friends, like yourself, + also with now pressing bureaucracy. I am bored with complaining.
After 3 months I got better, though breathing is still uncomfortable: the jelly brain remains, and now I have problems with my eyes: watery, sensitive, bloodshot + sharp and ghastly pain in the right eye.
It has been a long time since I have been myself. I am going to George again in 2 weeks time + have set up various appointments with different specialists: the facio specialist [+ try + see another for a 2nd opinion ENT, sinus, eye specialists, pharmacologist [to see if there is maybe a reaction of some from the medications I use], insist on blood tests to see if there is any infection. But maybe it is the end of the road for me, which will be a relief. This isn't fun. I hope you will come + visit before it is all over. So there you are: woes.
Much love
The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to. ~ Scott Fitzgerald.
I received a beautiful reply.
I am annoyed to hear this! He should have been clear as to the recovery times and the outcome, 2 weeks vs. 2 months is large! The pain sounds agonizing, so some discussion and details would have been great.
Having been in hospital last month myself, and Keira yesterday, Dr’s certainly do say nothing unless asked. Its not fair and leaves us simply wondering.
You are not complaining. We are here to listen…. So anytime you need to vent…please do so! I enjoy a good bitching session to air things out. Then I am over it. I find I don’t let things eat at me as I did before. I spent many days and months festering over things, only to be unaccountable for the time wasted and emotions drained from me.
I hope the trip to George helps an gives you some comfort!
Oh, drearest ! See what the trip brings an then you can look at other options. I will be back in January and yes, a trip long overdue!!!
. Would have been great to have you at Blou Piet [my house in Durban] I looked at the article in the property magazine the other day, and I miss Blou Piet!
Always happy to hear from you.
Love you very much
xoxox
Her mail has already helped with the healing process.
Postscript:
Dearest S:
George: good news all round.
The eye specialist did thorough tests: my eyes are extremely dry, which causes them to be red, watery, painful. It may be caused by a medication: but for now I am using balm + eye drops, which are doing the trick. It has cleared up the low grade fevers + jelly brain.
Nevertheless I walked through George feeling suicidal. Not in the depths of despair way, but clinically, rationally. Over the months the pains in my nostrils became less painful [ I have been using a netipot – a yogic salt water irrigation – and an inhalation of Wilde Als, a folk remedy amongst the coloureds, [Wormwood, Artemisia], which helped, briefly. It remained there. Each breath remained uncomfortable, at times painful. I was aware of my breathing, always in an unpleasant way.
So, disheartened + exhausted from George I drank 2 bottles of white wine. Normally I dislike air conditioning – the first thing I do when inside an hotel room is to turn the aircon off. I have it on here, during the day, in this sweltering heat. I fell asleep in the arms of Bacchus, + woke the next morning – my nose + head clear for the 1st time in 6 months. The aircon unit had been running all night. Since then, I keep the unit on all night: all fine. This would suggest an allergy, or sensitivity to the dry heat. I should probably get some air purifiers: I will research the subject further. But the important thing is that I am well. Myself again after a long time.
Lots of love
We should consider every day lost n which we do not Dance at least once - Nietzsche
